You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
