I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
