Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
