FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
