forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
