i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
