Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.