did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
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the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
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I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.