Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.