Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
So many bounce houses so little time
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?