I didn't shave. On purpose
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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