Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
