how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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