it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
