he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
