the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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