After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
