Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
