Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
