My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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