I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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