just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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