i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
