dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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