if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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