im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
