If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
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i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
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You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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