Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
