mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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