You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
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