just come out here and I will go home with you...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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