Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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