Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
