My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
