I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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