Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
