i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
True strength comes from lack of pants
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
