so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
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Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
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My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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