I am puke
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I need to stop coming to work sober
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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