I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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