Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
