you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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