you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
