so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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