Will you blow on my dice?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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