Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
