My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
