paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
