im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I am available for nakedness
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
