i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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