I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
