A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We're like a lot better than the average bears
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i love accidental penises.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
