When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
