you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
