I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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