If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We left the knife in your bed.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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