I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
