NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
